By Peter Farquhar
The good news is, scientists have found the G-spot. As in, really found it - a physical specimen.
The bad news is, scientists have found the G-spot. So now it's over to you, husbands and lovers.
It's always been there, apparently. In an admission that could raise a collective told-you-so cry from women left wanting around the world, they were just looking in the wrong spot.
For centuries, women have been reporting engorgement of the upper, anterior part of their hoo-has when giddy with sexual excitement, despite the fact the structure of this phenomenon had not been anatomically determined.
To that end, there's been countless attempts to prove the existence of a G-spot since it first aroused scientists', er, curiosity back in the 1950s, most notably that of one Ernest Gräfenberg after who it was named.
As late as 2010, scientists were still denying the G-spot was real, claiming it was just a figment of a woman's overactive imagination.
Then again, they were British scientists.
At the same time, a couple of French researchers rebutted the claims, using the not-at-all opportunistic research method of doing ultrasounds on shagging couples to identify "physiological evidence".
Of course, the Italians beat them all to it, claiming in 2008 that there was a link between the ability to achieve orgasm and the thickness of tissue between the vagina and urethra.
But in the end, it took a completely non-sexy method.
You can thank Dr Adam Ostrzenski, of the Institute of Gynaecology in St Petersburg, Florida, who was a keen believer in the existence of a G-spot, but was yet to find physical evidence. Couldn't put his finger on it, you might say.
The determined Dr Ostrzenski noted that no documented nether parts surgery had delved high enough up the fi-fi front wall to find anything significant.
So all Dr Ostrzenski had to do was dissect one layer by layer until something popped up. Which it did - in an 83-year-old corpse - and which he removed for all the world to see.
"The G-spot was identified as a sac with walls that grossly resembled the fibroconnective tissues, was easy to observe, and was a well-delineated structure," he wrote in a report published today in The Journal of Sexual Medicine.
Dr Ostrzenski claims the exercise was important because knowing "the anatomic existence of the G-spot ... may lead to a better understanding and improvement of female sexual function".
Which is good news for women, Dr Ostrzenski believes, because denial of its existence has "led to a monolithic clitoral model of female sexual response".
"However, women have held the unwavering position that there are distinct areas in the anterior vagina which are responsible for a sensation of great sexual pleasure."
Yes, there is a picture of it, but it's not for the faint-hearted or anyone who wants their mojo to fall out and shatter into a thousand tiny pieces on the ground.
We'll link to it here as soon as somebody much, much braver than us publishes it online, but don't say we didn't warn you.
For the rest of you, here's how to find it:
30-second G-spot primer
So, where is it?
Somewhere between 5cm and 8cm inside the front bottom, but here's the tricky bit - it can be tucked away anywhere between 3-15mm behind the *cough* wall.
What is it?
Sort of a little teardrop-shaped bag. It has a head roughly 3.5mm across, a middle roughly 3mm across and a 1.5mm tail. It also has blue splotches on...
Too much information. How do I switch it on?
Probably not the way you hoped. And definitely not in the missionary position. Let's just leave it at "constant pressure and attention*".
* And dildos.